Dec 17, 2010
Don't apologize

As a teenager it drove me crazy that my father would never apologize to me. Ever. Even when something was obviously his fault. I swore to myself that I would be more intellectually honesti, that I would admit when I was wrong. That emphasis on intellectual honesty gave me a scientific bent and took me to engineering college, and to grad school. For 12 years I unquestioningly assumed the virtue — and importance — of intellectual honesty. Coincidentally, I also spent most of those years working alone.

Now that I've worked in teams for a while I'm starting to change my mind. In many social situations being apologetic sucks. It makes others around you feel awkward. If you're leading a team it makes you seem weak. If you're the rookie you sound like you're making excuses. If others aren't intimately familiar with the details it can magnify your screwups and make things seem worse than they are. And always it's a distraction, diluting your focus and that of your team. I'm learning to not apologize until it's clearly expected. Better to err on that side.

All this may seem crazy obvious to you. Apologizing isn't really part of western culture. I can remember others telling me dozens of times, "don't apologize." Somehow it never sunk in. Perhaps it's not even an eastern thing, just a personal fetish.

Looking back, I have a different perspective on my father. I realize he was an army officer who spent much of his day telling subordinates what to do. You can't be apologizing in that situation. You just don't think about whose fault it was, because the entire focus is on adjusting to a constantly-changing situation, and on what needs to be done next. I want that mindset.

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